Walking sans diagnosis

I don’t know how to write this without it seeming whiny. Let’s start with something else.

I like wandering around. On foot, in the city mostly, but not exclusively. Once, in college, I was bored, and after going by the Wawa up the road, I decided to just hook a big circle. But…there were train tracks, and somehow I ended up in Springfield Township. Weird. Point is, there’s little I like better than a leisurely walk on a nice day. Okay, well, there’s a LOT I like better, but that’s not the point. I also really like to eat, which also ties into this.

This is relevant, because tomorrow I have an appointment at 10, but then don’t have to be to work until 1 because of a damn hours cut. Normally, with tomorrow being a gorgeous day, I’d take the extra hour to wander the gallery (which is admittedly not gorgeous, so I’d probably just go to Five Below) and then go by Reading Terminal, then walk the 15-20 min walk from there to work. But, there is a problem. The problem is my left foot.

Anymore, as I’ve gotten older, I am constantly beset my issues without a real diagnosis. Okay, I have ONE issue with a real diagnosis, and that’s still a pain in the ass. But, I also sneeze. it’d be better, due to a surely expensive nasal spray that my insurance will not want to cover, but once I run out of free samples, if I don’t buy new spray for awhile, I’ll be a sneezing freak.As I was when my last expensive spray just stopped really working. Everyone assumes I have allergies. But…I don’t. A minor allergy to bunny rabbits, and that’s it. I have non-allergic rhinitis. But, that’s not a real diagnosis. Here’s what it means:

You have allergy/cold symptoms, without any allergen or virus, You sneeze and we don’t know the fuck why.

Likewise, last spring I had an especially nasty bout of bronchitis, from which my lungs didn’t quite recover. I still have occasional shortness of breath. But, I do not have asthma. I’ve had EKG’s, chest X-rays, lung scans…everything is negative. Makes a girl think it’s all in her head. Another pesty problem without a diagnosis.

But, neither of those things really stop me from walking. sometimes I get winded for no reason, but I can just shoulder through that. That…that is caused by my newest problem. Sometime, I guess it was early last month, my left foot started bugging me. I honestly can’t remember when, I didn’t think much of it. Laid off cardio for awhile, etc. But, it didn’t get better.

So, I went to the doctor, got an X-ray, took some pills, bought an in-sole. Still don’t know what the problem is..still isn’t better.

And, there are worse things than negative test results. MUCH worse things. But, its still frustrating. Because, due to not knowing what the fuck the problem is, things don’t actually get better. Which means I can’t go on my random downtown walks.

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Overanalyzing Billy Joel

I love love love Only the Good Die Young. Because, well, I would totally rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. Which implies I’m some sort of bad-ass rebel. When, I am aggressively nice. Wait…no, that’s not true either. Its more than I am well-behaved. Nice implies a level of friendliness and goodwill towards men that my heart almost never feels. But, as usual, especially when it is 3am, I digress. Anyway, when you think about it, Only the Good Die Young is kind of a fucked up song. Not because it says the sinners are much more fun- we all know they are. Give me Tony Stark over Captain America any day. Well…preferably give me both, the guy who plays Captain America is really hot. But Thor isn’t invited. And…Captain American is saved on netflix, but I still haven’t watched it! And I really want to. Anyway…sinners throw better parties, we all know that, that’s not the fucked up part.

It’s not even the anti-Catholic stuff, the stained glass curtain you’re hiding behind, the Catholic girls start much too late, etc. Which, I’m pretty sure isn’t even actually true…but that would lead me down a whole path towards a certain local Catholic school who had to create maternity uniforms. And that isn’t what this is about.

Here’s why its fucked up. Because its a terrible pick-up line. So, what, if I don’t sleep with you- I’ll die? That’s kinda rapey…isn’t it Billy Joel? Besides, the idea that sooner or later you are going to lose your virginity- it might as well be to me?? Not exactly the most inspired pick-up line. Barney from How I Met Your Mother would not be impressed- step up your game! Of course, the protagonist in the song is probably a teenager (at least I kinda hope so, because I’m pretty sure Virginia is), and Barney was a virgin into his 20’s…so he’s probably still doing better than him actually.

Anyway, regardless, telling me sex is gonna happen, might as well be with you? And if I don’t do it I’ll die young? Not exactly a turn-on! Now, maybe I’ll give Billy a benefit of the doubt- maybe he’s already tried the more conventional way. Maybe he’s actually given her the reasons why he wants to sleep with HER specifically. Maybe he’s given some sort of reason for why he specifically is worth it, more than it might as well be me. Maybe he’s trying to argue sinners are better in bed?? I’m not touching that one, this is a family show. Or not…if a child is sitting at home, reading my blog, the child needs to put on a video game or go out and play. The kid needs to get a life, is what I’m saying.

Anyway Billy, you are awesome and all, and as i write this Only the Good die Young is forever stuck in my head. And in a good way, not like that Goddamn Call Me Maybe song. But, I’m pretty sure the Piano Man guy would have better luck. For one thing, that bar is depressing as fuck and he’s probably the best prospect, and for another- I’ve been drinking. A drink they call loneliness no less? That’s just depressing, the guy with the dark back story singing the soulful tune? Yeah, that guy is probably doing better than the cocky punk…even though…sinners really are MUCH more fun.

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Sex Rules for my non-existant children (most of which I have violated)

1. Ideally, you should lose your virginity to someone you love/like/tolerate. However, if the virginity thing goes on for so long it’s hindering your ability to meet such a person, rules are relaxed
2. I don’t give a shit if you are gay, and I will harm anyone who does
3. You shouldn’t have sex with anyone you wouldn’t be willing to be seen with during the day
4. Wrap it the fuck up! Condoms aren’t fun, but neither is syphilis!
5. Abortion does not count as using birth control, it’s a last resort. If I hear you say “oh well, I don’t have to worry about if I get pregnant because I can just get an abortion” you will seriously be locked in your room for six months. And I’m a light sleeper, and will be too poor for a big house, so good luck sneaking anyone in or yourself out
6. Treat the people you are with with respect, even one night stands, don’t lie to them, don’t treat them like ratchet hos, because you should be avoiding ratchet ho’s anyway
7. Never tell someone you love them if you don’t mean it
8. That said, people might tell you they love you and not mean it
9. Sex is for love, or at least lust, not for anger or spite
10. Get routine std tests/pap smears, etc
11. Try to avoid drunken sex, because that’s the quickest way to violate #3, and #4. Plus, if you are a guy, you don’t want a girl you think consented coming after you because she was too drunk to really consent
12. I’m not one of those creepy parents who wants to know sexual details, but if you get in trouble, I’ll help you out, and I’m here if you need to talk
13. Girls- if you aren’t on hormonal birth control, keep a stock of morning after pills in case shit fails
14. Seriously, no nude photos or sexting, that shit never ends well, and it’s fucking stupid. For further clarification, Google Anthony weiner

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The greater good

I named this blog the greater good, even though every time I say the phrase in my head I hear it creepily chanted back to me “the greater good”. That said, the phrase fits.

So, news broke today (at least for me) that some painfully ignorant, shithead Congressman wannabe Senator- Todd Akin is the name, who said that you can’t get pregnant from “legitimate rape”. He has since apologized, saying he meant to say “forcible” rape. As if that’s better. So many problems with this statement, that have been well-articulated elsewhere. Obviously you can get pregnant from rape, 30,000 women a year do. Plus, if rape didn’t assist in procreation- it wouldn’t still exist. Okay, it would, because people are assholes, but you see my point. Never mind trying to determine what a “legitimate rape” is. Let’s move away from date rapes, which obviously wouldn’t seem legitimate by this guy. If someone has a gun to your head, and you don’t physically fight back? What if someone drugs you? Are those rapes not forcible because the woman isn’t beaten to a bloody pulp? That’s bullshit. Offensive, stupid, lacking in basic biological knowledge.

But, Todd Akin being a dipshit is not why I write about the greater good. Not directly at least. Of course he should resign, and preferably go crawl in a hole somewhere. Never mind whether someone who is raped should be allowed an abortion (I personally think so, obviously. I can’t imagine having my rapist’s baby growing inside of me. Obviously lots of women do, and grow to love them, but it shouldn’t be mandatory. It would feel, to me, like carrying Rosemary’s Baby. And every time I looked in the mirror, every prenatal appointment, every turned aside drink, would be a constant reminder of the asshole who raped me. No woman should be forced to deal with that if she doesn’t want to). But, that’s not even the point. If your position is that a fertilized egg is equivalent to a baby, I at least follow the logical reasoning, even if i think its fucked.

No, the reason why I titled this the greater good? Fucking Claire McCaskill. Fuck her. Her campaign put forth 1.5 million dollars of ads during the primary, trying to get this guy to win. Because he was crazy, and would therefore be easier to beat. Of course, she was running behind this guy anyway. This exact rationale, that winning is more important that actually facing a competent opponent, that its worth risking that a guy who must’ve failed health class could be a US Senator, just so that stupid bitch could keep her seat. Winning is NOT everything, because we don’t win, we just all lose. Because fuck the country, if I don’t win, I don’t care what happens anyway. Its all about the next fucking election. And yeah, senator is a sweet job. Good pay, great benefits, free car, bribes and kickbacks, only work 100 days a year. But, is a sweet job really worth selling the country out? Because that’s totally what Claire McCaskill did.

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Billion dollars blown

I hate this election. And the last one. And the one before. Don’t get me wrong, they are kinda fun to watch. Until you realize we are destroying everyone’s faith in humanity and democracy, and spending 1 BILLION dollars, to depress the other sides turnout and change the minds of 2% of the population. Isn’t there a better way we could do this?

I think I first realized how much the process sucked when I was 9. In 4th grade my crappy little suburban Catholic school hold a mock election for president. This was 92, Bush v Clinton v Perot. I knew nothing of issues, other than a vague memory of people saying peace in the middle east to each other a year or two before. All my brain knew, is that every time I turned on the TV I saw bad shit about Clinton and bad shit about Bush. Which in hindsight makes me wonder- were they advertising a lot on children’s programming? Was I watching weirdly adult stuff? Wait, there was a lot of wonder years, full house, and the TGIF lineup back then. Must’ve been on those. Anyway, my solution was to just vote for Perot! There were no negative ads about him! I didn’t know what he stood for, and in fact, I still don’t. There were charts, big ears, a spot-on imitation by Dana Carvey, and he won a larger % of the vote than anyone really remembers. It makes you wonder if conservatives hated on him the way liberals hated on Nader for his 3% of the vote back in 2000. Point is, even as a 9 year old who thought full house was watchable, I was heavily turned off by negative ads.

And it’s just all such fucking bullshit, and no one is themselves, a common political problem, best encapsulated by Mitt Romney, possibly the most un-genuine person to walk the planet. Seriously, is there anything that man hasn’t switched positions on? And Paul Ryan SEEMS genuine, until you find out he voted for every bit of unfunded bullshit during the bush administration, and begged for stimulus funds for his district while saying they won’t work. Or saying that ayn rand inspired his entire political career- until he got called on it. Now, now he realizes her atheism is inconsistent with his Catholicism, but he didn’t realize that before. Um, I read atlas shrugged, and it was obviously written by a godless bitch.

Not that democrats are any better. Warrant less wiretaps! How dare you! Well, until a democrat is doing them…then you can cut the fucking silence with a knife. Wait, how dare you engage in personal attacks! We’d never do that shit! And the hyperbole, we’d never compare our opponent to hitler! but we would accuse him of MURDERING a woman. Because that’s reasonable.

Seriously, fuck all these people. And I think about all the fucking money these bullshit elections cost, and I start to long for dictatorship. And…then I don’t. Because gold toilets are also really wasteful. And getting arrested for offensive music would suck. Yay freedom! But fuck this process. Isn’t there a cheaper way to do this? Couldn’t that $50 grand a plate go to fund food for hungry kids, or animal shelters, or paying off my student loans….okay maybe that one is less worthy than the other two, but still more worthy than that election bullshit.

Because, never mind all the wasted money, we all know that the only ones they are listening to are the ones who bought them. We are FUCKING pawns!

Okay, off my soapbox. Time to go find some bread and circuses to distract me from this shit.

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A topless Channing Tatum and Anne Hathaway in a catsuit

The show the Newsroom is hokey, but I like it anyway. Yes, Aaron Sorkin is blatantly liberal, and there’s no way Jeff Bridges character is actually a Republican, but I still enjoy the show. Also, I hate exercise. Thirdly, neither of those things are what I actually want to write about. Earlier, as I sat, eating spaghetti, I had a brilliant idea for a blog entry. And then I ate some more (hence why I need to exercise) and can’t remember what it was. So…until it comes to me, you get more random musings. Hopefully I’ll actually finish this one. I started a blog post on Magic Mike (Channing Tatum needs to always be topless) but I never bothered finishing it, and now its relegated to the draft bin, likely never to be seen again. I clearly don’t have the energy to write an entire movie review. Same thing with Dark Knight Rises, the most recent movie I’ve seen. Good movie, though not as good as the second one. Which, totally flouts the typical trilogy rule…wait, no, that’s not accurate. The whole second movie of a trilogy being the worst one isn’t really a good rule. It is with Die Hard, the second Die Hard sucked. But the second Indiana Jones is definitely my favorite, and Ghostbusters 2 is bound to be better than a Bill Murry-less Ghostbusters 3. Especially since Ghostbusters 2 is awesome. And, I know its improbable that the Ghostbusters wouldn’t still be heroes, but lets be honest here- people are fucking ungrateful, its not nearly as improbable as we’d like it to be. Anyway, Dark Knight Rises was good, and I promise not to spoil the ending. Also, Anne Hathaway in a cat suit. Hell, I’m straight, but she was working it.

Enough about movies. Last night, totally unexpectedly, I ended up going to the cesspool city, in a cesspool of a state, poor little Camden, NJ. Though…no. I was about to say maybe Philly doesn’t have room to talk, since we were being called kill-adelphia on fucking CNN tonight, but then..no. We may have a lot of murders, but our skyline still looks like this (see picture on left)
And…theirs looks like that (see picture on right)

Yeah, we win. Anyway, Camden is fucking terrifying, but the concert was fun. The lawn is always a sideshow, and some idiot got arrested after hopping the fence, but you can’t beat free concert tickets. Even if we did stupidly pay $13 for crab fries.

Last week, I went to my first Phillies game of the season! And it was hot as balls. Specifically balls of someone dying of a fever. But, we won! And people left in the 9th inning of a tie game! Dumbasses.

This blog is losing steam. And I have a feeling those uploaded pics will have come out all fucking wrong. Oh well. At least I know the tripod trick now.

Blogs two days in a week!!!

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10 things that make me hate everyone

1. That neo-Nazi asshole who killed those people in Wisconsin. Um, dumbass, Sheiks aren’t Muslims, there will NEVER be worldwide white pride, because most of the world isn’t white. Also, his music is terrible. Even if it wasn’t racist, the lyrics are mundane, the vocals are terrible, and the music is generic. Seriously, I hope he is being butt-raped in hell, with holograms of Jews, blacks, and those poor Sheiks, taunting him fucking endlessly.
2. There are websites supporting the guy who shot up that movie theater in CO
3. That old woman who was raped recently
4. That 13 year old kid who was robbing people in West Philly at gunpoint
5. When did Phillies fans become Dodgers fans? Seriously, I don’t care how bad the team is, you don’t leave in the 9th inning of a tie game on a Sunday afternoon, unless there has been a death in the family or someone is the hospital
6. People who think that “straight pride” needs to be a thing, because treating gays like people threatens them THAT much. Also, people who think you’ll get aids from eating in the same restaurant as gay people (or who think it is funny to joke about).
7. A seven year old was involved in a violent home invasion
8. Gabby Douglas wins two gold medals and trifling people online talk about her hair
9.The Phillies are having a retro-90’s night. This isn’t wrong, or evil, but it does make me feel really really old.
10. That Call Me Maybe song

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