So, I haven’t logged into WordPress into days. My creativity has left me, it seems. But, despite this, WordPress seems to have RANDOMLY posted my last, unfinished draft, without my authorization. Maybe an April fools joke? Maybe I was hacked? I’m annoyed either way. And it won’t let me delete it, so I’m saving over it instead. At least WordPress is back to normal, the most recent update was freaking unspeakable.
So, what is new in my world?? Been obsessed with Trayvon Martin (George Zimmerman is clearly guilty). Am a medical mess lately. Most of which I won’t get into, but I did discover, after a cold that wouldn’t quit, and trouble breathing, that I apparently have asthmatic bronchitis. Joy! Not breathing and popping pills is SO fun!
Then, on Saturday, I went to the American Jewish History museum. And it was nice, well, done, a fun day. And I took (illegitimate) pictures. And I uploaded them. BUT I can’t post them on facebook, because my freaking windows live gallery is refusing to work. At all.
And I need to finish my passport application. And do my taxes. And do all the other “life” stuff i need to do. And I was purposefully lazy today, and I even actually slept well. Yeah, apparently sleep is a thing I can do. And these pills I’m on are stupid, I have to take them every 12 hours, with food, which actually requires me to eat at awkward times when I’m not even hungry to ensure i stay on schedule.
And when asked what warms my heart, I don’t even have an answer. Because most of what I see is dark. Its people being shitty to each other. Yeah, there will be some nice story on the news, of people rallying around some sick kid or something. And that’s awesome, and it makes me smile. But, in the day to day. In riding the bus, in interacting with people. Its freaking dark. And that probably makes me seem bleak and awful to people. And, the funny thing is, being faced with optimism, actually makes me more pessimistic. Nothing will cause me to put on a cheerful face faster than being faced with someone darker than me. No, that’s not quite true. Sometimes it just makes me darker.
And, there are sunsets. And kittens, and babies. And adorable internet videos. But…most things are just bad. They just freaking are. And maybe there is some great goodness I am missing. And maybe if I squinted my eyes really tight, and thought really hard, and tapped my heels three times, things wouldn’t be so freaking dark. And there’d be happy endings. And things would be sweet, not bittersweet at best.
But, I really kinda doubt it. So, I watch a movie. And clutch my chest. And try to remember a time when my walls weren’t quite so high.