They sure don’t make government affairs like they used to. Now..the women are less attractive, and there is photographic evidence. On twitter no less! Still way better than a jizz stained dress…
The Anthony Wiener thing- I find it hysterical. I know I should probably be outraged, but something about a grown man sexting is more pitiful than anything else. I mean, really, topless photos?? Is he auditioning for Jersey Shore? It’s just sad.
But, I can’t muster up the anger. Maybe it’s because I’ve always found Anthony Wiener really amusing. I rarely agree with him mind you, but he is always really really interesting. Or maybe I just can’t take “sexting” seriously. I mean, it’s bad, and he’s a dumbass, but I just can’t feel the righteous indignation. Its too funny.
There was nothing funny about John Edwards (also in the news lately- obviously). Most of the time when I hear politicians cheating on their wives, it’s like, eh, whatever. Maybe coming up in the age of Clinton has jaded me, but I don’t exactly expect morality from my politicians. So, when Larry Craig has a wide stance, or Governor Sanford goes “hiking on the Appalachian Trail”, or Elliot Spitzer is paying extra to have condom free sex with a prostitute- I’m not exactly shocked. Okay- the Appalachian Trail one did hold my attention a bit, and the Larry Craig thing was hysterical….
Generally I laugh, or maybe roll my eyes at the hypocrisy. The Edwards thing though…that really bothered me. Because who the hell cheats on their cancer stricken wife?? And she wasn’t even attractive!!! And he told her how he would marry her, as soon as his wife died. And he had a baby with the skank! And used campaign funds to cover it up! I mean, I’m sure he didn’t think his middle aged mistress was going to turn up pregnant, but still. Don’t people worry about STD’s anymore?? (I ask this same question every time i watch Maury Povich).
And, this got me thinking- they just don’t make political affairs like they used to. As above, John Edwards mistress was kinda old (by mistress standards), and not attractive. And, of course, a skank. Really, who has an affair with someone who is married. With children. To a women with terminal cancer. Who is smugly running for president on the “I’m better than you, two Americas, blah blah blah” ticket. SKANK! If I did that by freaking accident I’d want to kill myself, and she freaking pursued him, and had a damn baby with him. The ghost of Elizabeth Edwards should come back and smite them all.
Anyway, affairs like they used to. JFK was with Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn fucking Monroe, the star of wet dreams for an entire generation. I mean, dude, I couldn’t even get upset about that (the Russian spy he screwed- probably a different story). But, she was sex incarnate. Meanwhile, the Terminator mistress (yes, I am too lazy to Google how to properly spell his name), is atrocious looking. I mean, she is seriously busted. I mean, if you going to stoomp the maid, I’m picturing some cute little thing in a French Maid outfit…not….that. Ugh. And they were pregnant at the same time! They gave birth within a week of each other. So…gross. And..Bill Clinton…well…he liked his women, in the words of a certain country song- just a little on the trashy side. Monica Lewinsky…was no Marilyn Monroe. And Paula Jones, picturing her face gives me nightmares.
Wow, this probably seems catty. But, don’t get me wrong, I know I am no Marilyn Monroe (though I’d run laps around the Skynet maid or Paula Jones), but you know what else I’m not? A home-wrecker. So….yeah…there’s that.
So…anyway…if you are going to risk your entire political life for a little somethin somethin on the side…here are my rules.
1. At least make the women be attractive
2. Use a freaking condom! Love children are so tacky, and the only thing that can make finding out you were cheated on worse is having to make a trip to the free clinic to deal with an itching burning sensation. And…I’m looking at you Elliot Spitzer…being willing to pay EXTRA for condom free hooker sex with some tart from New Jersey…doesn’t exactly help your case.
3. Actually have sex! Seriously, if your life is going to fall apart, it needs to be for more than some damn cyber-sex. I mean…people still have cyber-sex!!! 1999 called Anthony….they want their affair back! And…sending your dick to people is such a creepy Craigslist ad thing to do. and your wife was pregnant?!?! Sigh. Anyway, and this is actually related…
4. Don’t leave evidence. Don’t take pictures, don’t make videos, don’t leave behind babies, and if you jizz on the dress- burn it. You never know when you are with a seriously strange girl who chooses to save it (ewwwwww). Also, no sex with cigars. Seriously, that entire report traumatized and scarred me.
5. If your wife is in the hospital, or about to freaking die…just don’t cheat.
6. Please let her know personally about said divorce and affair..announcing shit via press conference is just trashy.
If you follow these six easy steps, you can stay in office, and if you do get busted- at least it will be worth it. Meanwhile, you can continue to lie, scheme, and steal, from the American people, like YOU ALL do so damn well.