I almost wish I was the kind of person who wanted to go to her college reunion. This isn’t about wishing my life was better. This isn’t about wishing I had a great job, and a husband to show off. This is a personality thing. Even if my life was great, I’d probably not go to my college reunion. Because I’m not the type of social butterfly who would have fun at this sort of thing. Because I have no one there who I really want to see.
It’s the same thing with my high school prom. At the time, I really wanted to go, but I didn’t, because I didn’t have a date, and it was crazy expensive (just for the ticket, never-mind anything else), and so I didn’t end up going. And, at the time it bothered me, but in hindsight it really doesn’t. I mean, it does in the sense that it’s a symbol of how odd and outcasted I was in high school, as a symbol of my dating issues, etc. But, not that I missed overpaying for a dress, eating mediocre food, and feeling like a hanger on following around my not-close friends who had dates. I would’ve had a bad time if I had gone, now that I know myself better I have no doubt of that.
But, sometimes I wish I was the type of girl who would enjoy that type of thing. That perky, social butterfly type. Even if when I see perky I want to hit it over the head with a shovel. Even if part of me, even when I don’t like myself, does like my cynical nature. Does think that the fact that I see the bad in everything is probably a good thing, because logically the world sucks. Still.
I wish I felt comfortable in a crowd. At ease, confident, certain people would like me. That I looked forward to forced social events- like college reunions. And proms. That maybe I’m missing out on something, being the way that I am.
And I really don’t want to go to my college reunion. But part of me wishes that I did.