I actually had better results at Foosball when I didn’t cheat than when I did. Some greater message there perhaps?? I rather doubt it, since even with my better results I still lost. Maybe that is truly the message- no matter what I do I lose?? Oh God, is this going to be another gloomy whiny blog post?? All woe is me, wah wah wah, nothing goes my way, I can’t do anything right. It’s all so damn narcissistic, I should probably stop it. Redundant too. Narcissistic and redundant.
Lately I really have been thinking that I have some narcissistic tendencies. I mean, I do have plenty of empathy, and I am loyal to friends and family to the point of self-destruction, but part of me worries that all of that is still always about me. I mean, probably not, right?? But, this whole damn blog seems to be one endless self-involved thought after one another. All I, and me. And, I do care about what goes on in the world. And, I really do care about my friends. I do, and not just because I’m afraid if I don’t care they won’t be my friends anymore, but because I legitimately want them to be happy. But, I just seem to spend so much time being introspective, but not actually using that introspection to do anything meaningful. I’m not going to disturb the status quo just so that I can shit comfortably after all. And, so I think about myself constantly, and write about myself constantly, and then get upset at myself for over-sharing.
And, I want to believe that some good comes of this. That I am actually a good writer, that sometimes I actually say something insightful. And maybe sometimes I do. But, it’s probably drowned out by all the wangst. (Yeah, I spend waaaay too much time at tvtropes.org). And, I’m blogging at 4am again, this is rarely a good sign. And, I’m actually in a decent mood right now. I have a kitty sleep in my bed, plans for tomorrow, and am generally in an alright mood. Even if part of me is convinced that my story doesn’t end well, that I won’t ever get that happy ending. That even if I don’t get a total downer ending, even if I don’t get shot by a robber (seriously Kevin Smith wtf, how could he have ever thought that was a good ending…). my best bet is to just be ambiguous, with one ex dumping me and the other in the hospital after fucking a dead guy. And, no, I did not watch clerks tonight, I