It happens every winter. Something dark, and cold, and downright
frightening. Something that causes grown men to shriek in fright, the
stuff of nightmares.
No, before you ask, I’m not taking about the eagles yearly failed
playoff run (tho that is scary). No, instead, the horror of which I
speak is even worse than an Andy Reid press conference or an assurance
from Joe banner that despite their first round exit- the eagles are
the gold standard of sports.
What is this horror of which I speak??what strikes fear in the hearts
of men each winter? Who else, but the dreaded, the feared, SNOW
Snow zombies may not eat brains like their namesakes, but they are
just as lacking in them. Theses zombies are not activated by a bite
from the undead, so much as a weather forecast from Hurricane Swartz,
Adam Joseph, or John Bolaris. At the first indication if a snowflake
on the five day, the zombifying process begins.
Each year like clockwork, the brainless hordes descend on area
grocers., only instead of a shuffle, they walk in a quick panic, instead of
groaning for brains, they instead lust for bread and milk.
Unspeakable, irrational, amounts of bread and milk. Even when the
snowstorm isn’t all that serious. Even when they couldn’t possibly go
through all that milk since it would go bad. Theses hordes aren’t
It’s like years ago someone cursed Philadelphia- you will have
unplowed roads and zombie hordes at the first sign of snow. And, it
happens every fucking year, and it doesn’t matter how much we mock,
the snow zombies await. Even tho if it really was all that bad, we’d
probably lose power and all that milk would be a smelly mess. Even tho
you’d think everyone would have already bought a shovel in the last
It’s no matter, it’s as ingrained in our DNA as booing unworthy sports
players, each winter the snow zombies will emerge. Watch your dairy