I was told earlier today that I’m simple. That I don’t have any lofty goals. This wasn’t meant as an insult, just a simple observation. But…it got me thinking. A lot of people would consider this an insult. Being aimless and lacking direction are not generally considered positive things.
But, why don’t I have lofty goals? career wise, or life wise. Is it because I know I’d fail at them so why bother? That would explain it now, but I didn’t have lofty goals as a kid either. I wanted to get older, get a job, get married, have kids I guess, but nothing terribly specific. And, as I’ve gotten older, it’s just gotten more amorphous and confusing.
I want a better job, but I don’t know what. We’ve been through this, but whether due to laziness, lack of direction, or just plain fear, I remain a secretary. And, I do want to get married at some point, but it’s not like I’m trying all that hard, it’s more important to me to just not wind up alone. And, kids…well, I like them, and their cute and all. But, I’m not always sure my genetic material should be passed on. I’m sometimes afraid my kids will be nearsighted and no one will like them, sine when I was a kid no one liked me. And, I’m not sure I’m cut out for this whole living thing.
I’d say maybe I’m just bad at being an adult, but I wasn’t terribly good at being a kid either. I did well enough in school, but I was never the slightest bit remarkable, and I was a weird little shit and nobody liked me. I’m not being dramatic, I literally had NO friends at all as a child, I sat at recess and read fucking books.
In the Sims 2 there are several stages of life- baby, toddler, child, teenager, young adult (if you go to college), adult, and elder. I can’t remember what type of baby or toddler I was (though I suspect weird), but I have pretty well failed (or at best been frightfully average) at all the other stages of life. I still have quite a bit of adulthood left- maybe I can get better. Maybe that should be my new lofty goal- to master this life stage, fulfill my wants, avoid my fears, and finally be fucking happy.