It’s not so much explicit. There’s not an actual list somewhere. It’s  not actually numbered, with a big line down the middle and notes in  the margins. Some items aren’t actually written in big block letters,  or underlined or highlighted.

It’s not quite that cold and calculating. It’s not always a math  equation, or a points game. A 1-100 scale, with over 85 being  marriageable or over 50 being fuckable. It’s NOT all those things.

It’s more a stray thought to pass the time while riding the train, or  a thought that pops in when something happens. This is definitely a  black mark, a negative point, a con. Oh, he’s funny or smart-PRO. oh  he has issues, or he’s too short, or he’s insensitive- CON. and you  add them all up on this not real list and then what??

Pros outweigh cons stay together, cons outweigh pros
break up?? Unlikely, I mean, who lives that way. But, still, we make the lists. Pro, cons, pluses, minuses, red flags. We decide what we can live with, and what we can’t tolerate. And, some behavior is tolerable from some but not tolerable from others. It’s all just ways to make sense of feelings, and emotions, and all these other things that no one fully understands, that can make us act a fool.

So, we, or at least I, attempt to make order. Lists in our head, lists on the brain. Lists to say that this decision is the right or wrong one. Lists to justify. Lists that we may later ignore anyway. Lists so that we’re rational, not just silly little girls. Pros and cons, rights and wrongs, that’s what we do, that’s the skewed formula we use to try to make this all make sense. And then we ignore it anyway. Or at least I do.


About boredgirl260

27 year old trying to figure things out as she goes.
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