I know I’m not exactly the most devout. I only pray to you when I want something, and even though I work for the Catholic Church, I haven’t set foot inside a church in eight years except to vote (which counts, right??). So, I know it might be your first instinct to just ignore me- but I have something really important to ask you…
I NEED THE PHILLIES TO COME BACK TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES.
I know at first glance this may seem a trivial request, what with compared to all the starving orphans and all, but hear my out. The Yankees are evil, and not at all meek or humble, and didn’t you say something that the meek will inherit the earth?? Well, one big step towards inheriting the earth is stealing that beautiful world series trophy from us, a trophy I never got to see when we won it last year. The Yankees are owned by a man who I am certain is plotting with Satan to overthrow you..and Alex Rodriguez is a heating (on the field and off) ho, that must be an offense to you, right??
Moreover, this city could use another parade. It made people so happy last year, people were even nice to strangers- the city could use that again. In New York it just doesn’t matter as much, there’s not the 100% saturation of fan-base there is here because they have so many transplants there. Not here, here the whole city routes with every bone to win, it’d mean everything to use to win again- and almost nothing to them. Hell, half the people who sport Yankees caps are just gangsters who think it looks stylish- you can’t support that can’t you?? Plus, a parade is a really good excuse to get out of work and start drinking early in the day, and I will totally dedicate my first drink to you Lord.
The Phillies have tried really hard to get here God, so if you could give them a little push, I’d really appreciate it. Maybe just knock some Yankee home run balls out, or whisper in A-Rod’s ear to not leave Kate Hudson’s bed and come to the stadium today. Hell, that probably wouldn’t even take much convincing!!
Anyway God, if you come through to me, I promise to pray to you and actually mean it, not the insincere praying I typically do. And, I’ll be nicer to strangers- though not too nice, because I don’t want to kidnapped. Hell, I’ll even be nice to all those poor sad Yankees fans, and not mock them too much.
Anyway God, thanks for listening, and while you’re fixing the World Series, maybe you could do something about all the wars, disease, starving people, famine, and those blowhards in the US Senate. But first…Go Phillies!!!
Love, your (mostly) loyal servant,