There are certain things you just don’t expect to see when you open up your inbox. This varies based on the person, obviously, but there is a certain expectation that when you open it up, there won’t be anything to jarring in there.
Yesterday, yesterday was rather jarring. I powered up my laptop, and opened up my inbox- and there it was, staring at me. A notification from facebook- K.M. has requested you as a friend (or however it is that facebook exactly words it). I was fairly shocked to see that. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over a decade, and there’s been no relationship there at all since I was five.
I’m a child of divorce, a girl without a father, and all the cliches that that involves. When I was six years old, right after, I was a wreck, though no one noticed at the time. I always thought my teachers were going to leave me- that’s not normal for the 1st grade, or ever. I am damaged in certain tangible ways, due to him never being there at all. He may have been married to my mother, but he was still just a glorified sperm donor, who put forth more effort to avoid paying child support then to attempt to have any relationship with his children.
So, this disinterested man, who has had no role in my life apart from being a negative archetype, friends me on facebook today. The last I’d heard from him, he’d called my mother, trying to get her to call off the state (they are still after him for back child support), and having the gall to ask if I read the Bible. Because- I love being lectured on religion by those who have no right to lecture anyone. Next I’ll take lessons on fidelity from Governor Sanford.
That little bit of inappropriate hypocrisy was bad enough. But then, the friend request. There was no message attached to it. No heartfelt apology for his criminal negligence. Just a friend request, as if he was some random kid from high school who thought- I remember her, let me friend her, won’t that be fun! But, he’s not, he’s the shithead who I’m unfortunate enough to share half my DNA with, he’s the one I haven’t seen in ten years, he’s the one who even when I was seven I could see through his obvious bullshit. And, he thought the fact that he graced me with a friend request on facebook would right all these wrongs?
Hey dad (that not I can actually remember a time when I called him that), all is forgiven. Because you friended me on facebook. Growing up knowing my father could care less about me- forgiven! My abandonment issues- forgiven! Every guy I clinged to a little too much- because otherwise they’d leave too- forgiven! It’s all ok! Every bit of weirdness that may have been caused by you, every bit of doubt, any slight discomfort- forgiven. It’s all ok. Because you friended me on facebook.
Or..not. It’s not ok. I blocked his ass. Because, he doesn’t have a right to know who my friends are. He doesn’t have a right to my self-deprecating whining. To my occasional bouts of wit. To my happiness, to my pain, to my laughter, to my tears. Any right to any of it, he forfeited long ago. He has no right to see my pictures, know my opinions, know my loves, know my fears. He doesn’t even have a right to see the random links I post, or the stupid quizzes I take. He has no right to anything, except for to find a corner, and crawl up and die in it.
Too much? Too bitter…right? Maybe he was trying to make amends, reach out, maybe I shouldn’t have so coldly turned him away without a word. Maybe I should be the bigger person. But fuck that. I don’t owe him anything, I don’t have to listen. Why should I be the bigger person- he wronged me! If he wants me as his daughter- he should have to grovel, and beg. Send money, or presents, or something. Something to even attempt to make up for this. Not a blind fucking facebook request. I mean really- who told him that would be ok??