too much I

Tonight a guy tried to pursue me to get a green card….

Moving on. My blogging suffers without my iPhone. I don’t mean this to whine, I mean it to say that before, when I got some great idea for a blog, I could just start writing it, and then I could just edit it later, when I got home. But, now, those ideas just fade away. I had two separate ideas for blogs today, and instead I’m writing a blog on my inability to blog because by this point I’m too tired to write things correctly, so even if I got the basic points across, it wouldn’t be interesting. And, I’m too exhausted to be interesting, so it’s all self-involved whining that probably just scares people away. And there’s more that could be said on that topic, but I simply don’t have the energy. I just have sweat, and exhaustion. God, I hate this weather. See what I mean, more self-involved whining. I’m really not as narcissistic as this blog makes me out to be. I promise. I wonder how many people read this, and think I’m a self-involved, dull, whiny mess and then want nothing to do with me.

I should probably just share less, that’d be safer. It’s not like in my daily life I’m this big an open book, there are people who know me for years and know nothing about me. But, I dunno. I keep hoping that someone can see the darker sides of myself, and not flinch. See me on my worst days, see my whiniest side, but still want to know more. Want to be there when I’m not whining, when I’m not self-involved. When I care about others, when I’m funny. When I’m better than I’ve been these last two months.

Of course, that is probably delusion. People see the dark side, and they flinch, and run away, and they figure they aren’t missing much, because my good side is still not exactly bubbly and full of giggles. Even my lighter side can still be pretty fucking dark.

And. again, this is self-involved dribble. Really, to read this blog, you’d think I think the only thing interesting on this planet is me. And, I’m really not that way, I have other interests, I have other cares, I know that when it comes to importance in the world, I don’t rank.

And, there are so many I’s in this blog. I’d hate to think what a psychiatrist would see reading this, unspeakable amounts of narcissism. I read once that shyness is actually a form of narcissism, that it takes a special level of self-importance to think that people actually give a shit what you do. And, I am pretty shy, the constant open book nature of these blogs notwithstanding. I want to say it’s self awareness, or self improvement, but it’s probably closer to self immolation.

And. that’s really a lot about myself. Maybe I should retreat, make sure no one gets to know me anymore, maybe that’d be better. I I I. I can’t seem to shake these I’s, it’s a writing curse. It’s just me being lazy, and self-involved. Trust me, I know I’m really not that important.

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About boredgirl260

27 year old trying to figure things out as she goes.
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