I’m depressed today, and I frankly can’t think of a good reason not to be. Though this is only one small part of it, let’s call it the iPhone blues…
The prices for iPhones on craigslist are completely out of hand, but still significantly more reasonable than the prices on eBay. Never mind my general lack of a desire to spend that much money on either such website. And, the 200 bucks I spend on my brand new iPhone still sits on my credit card, as I ponder if I want to spend $100 bucks for a piece of shit 2g. A 2g like the one I so foolishly got stolen from me at Dorney Park.
And it makes me angry, because I’m royally fucked, while the thief probably made hundreds of bucks, and the piece of shit lives to steal another day. And, there’s no recourse. There’s nothing to make me feel better. And, it’s unfair, and life is unfair, terminally so, and it just makes me not want to fucking bother. Because no matter what I do I’m fucked, and there is reward for doing wrong, and none of this should be new to someone as cynical as me. But, it just angers me. A lot. Like I’m riding the damn subway and I’m angry. And I’m sitting at work and I just get angry. I’m just angry.
And I get hot, and angry. And I’m tired of yelling, all of life is yelling anymore. And I’m tired of everything. And I really don’t know why I fucking bother, I have no reason to believe things are going to get better. And, maybe I’m not talking about the iPhone anymore. And maybe I’m feeling angry and fatalistic. And maybe there really is no reason not to.
Yeah, there are cliches and empty platitudes, that things will get better. But what if they won’t. And what if they don’t. And, this isn’t just about the iPhone, but its part of it. It’s me working hard for something and having it taken from me, with no consequences whatsoever. It’s me stuck using a phone that is a complete piece of shit because it’ll cost me 400 bucks to replace it. It’s the world seeming to go to fucking shit all at once, both my personal world, and the world as a whole.
And, I just don’t see the bright side. And, yeah, I’m healthy. I think, maybe, assuming my stomach shit is really nothing. But, the absence of bad isn’t necessarily good, it’s just nothing. It’s just a fucking void. So, yeah, things could be worse. But they could also be better. And I just don’t see things getting better. I’m just getting older, and broker, and sadder. And I’m on a slow march towards death, and I don’t see why things should get better. And, I know I sound like a whiny bitch, but whatever.
This is how I feel, and this is how I see it, and I just don’t see the light. I don’t see the hope. I see bleak. I see gray. And maybe I’m just being melodramatic, but no one has given me a convincing argument otherwise. This is not being irrational, this is me looking at the world, and looking at my life, and seeing shit. And, it’s not like having my iPhone would make things that much better, really. But, at least it could fucking distract me.