Just everything

It seems that all I have anymore is bad days. I had another bad one today, for reasons I absolutely cannot get into. But, suffice it to say, when it rains it pours. And, it seems like it’s one thing after another. And, I can’t remember the last truly good day I had, and even if I could, looking back on it just might make me cry. And, I miss feeling hopeful. And happy, on the rare occasions I was. But instead I see the future, and it’s bleak. And it’s not JUST about the iPhone. It’s not just about the mugging. Or my crazy mother. Or my absent father. Or what happened today which we shall not speak of. It’s…everything, all at once. It’s life picking a great fucking time to fall apart on me. And what now? And it’s not just one thing. Just one thing I could handle. It’s…everything. It’s the last three days I had that I thought would be good somehow ended in tears. And I don’t know how to fix things. And I’m fairly convinced I’ll die alone, unless someone draws the short straw, or misses the last musical chair, and is forced to settle for the ok but not all that special, pretty but not second look pretty, smart, but still just a secretary, every compliment ends with a “but”…me. And, that’s me in a nutshell, with some bad luck, poor breeding, and just plain klutziness thrown in for good measure. Quite the personal ad I just wrote for myself. And, it’s not JUST that. It’s not JUST anything….It’s JUST…everything, and I’m overwhelmed, and overwrought, and overtired, and overly sick of waiting for things to get better and instead they keep getting worse. And, maybe, in the words of the infrequently played Selkow song, I should just “Get Over It.” But, even if I did. What then? What the fuck is waiting for me. Debt, despair, more bad fucking luck. More poor fucking choices, more heart in pieces way more than it ought to be. And, maybe I just should stop caring. But, I’ve never really wanted to live that way. I theoretically like having emotions, even if they betray me on a nearly daily basis. And, it’s not JUST one thing. It’s my head racing at 3am, and my eyes tearing more than they ought to. It’s the complicated Spiderweb I find myself in. It’s…JUST everything. Not JUST one thing. Not JUST yesterday. Not JUST last Thursday, or last month, or last year. Or the time in 5th grade when some kid was mean to me, or the fact that I JUST can’t remember being that happy little spinny girl I see in videos. It’s not JUST that. It’s just…….

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About boredgirl260

27 year old trying to figure things out as she goes.
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