Top 10 ways to guarantee I will never have sex with you
As I get accosted on myspace by guys with shirtless avatars, and seemingly rejected by guys for living within, I still have enough positive moments currently going opposite sex wise to laugh about, and so follows, in no particular order, the top deal breakers, turn-offs, and just shockingly idiotic behaviors that will guarantee you absolute failure, at least with me
1. A shirtless avatar
2. Call me sexy when I don’t even know you. It’s excessively familiar, and rather creepy
3. Inappropriate levels of affection too quickly. If I’ve gone out with you once and you are in love with me, or you want to cuddle with me after one short conversation, then that is a giant ass red flag. I am not that great, it is not normal to get attached me without even knowing me, it’s a sign of clinginess and desperation
4. Dress ghetto. I’m sorry, maybe this makes me shallow, or a bad person, but pants are supposed to start at the waist, not below it. Sometimes shit is going to show, I acknowledge, but if your pants are designed to start below your ass, we are not going to have a future together. Same goes for long white t-shirts, sideways hats, doo rags, you get the picture. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with dressing like that- well, there is something wrong with the pants thing, Jesus, it’s called UNDERwear for a reason!! Anyway, it’s more personal preference.
5. You are more of a girl than me. I’m not the girliest girl ever, I never wear makeup, I’m fairly low matience, I’m a giant sports fan, so if you take longer than me to get ready in the morning, or wear makeup, or are overally concerned with appearance, then we probably just won’t be compatible
6. If you frequently use terms like “military industrial complex” or “opiate of the masses”, or God forbid if you diss my beloved football by making some crack about circuses and bread. Also, if football or hockey is too violent for you- this falls under the girly man problem above. I love sports, and though it is not absolutely necessarily that a man I end up with love sports, if he has a moral problem with them, and can’t comprehend, say, why it was so awesome when the Phillies won the World Series, or can’t apreciate the beauty of a QB sack, eh, it probably isn’t going to work out.
7. If you are waiting for marriage. This is self explanatory
8. Excessively religious. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being religious, or going to church or synagogue, it’s admirable, and I certainly would date someone who is somewhat religious. But, if in our first three conversations you keep asking me if I’m a Christian, then you should probably find a nice girl at church to go out with, because though I am a decent person, I am likely not the girl for you
9. If you call me boo, or shorty. Or if you stalk me around the corner with your car. Or if you meet me at a bar and compliment my underwear. Just…ew.
10. If you are a druggie (weed is acceptable occasionally), a hippie (though tie dye is acceptable, I want a guy who I am confident can defend me if I’m getting mugged or kidnapped), unemployed (by choice, the economy sucks, if you want to work then I don’t give a shit about your financial situation, or if you are independently wealthy or something, but if you aspire to hang out on corners all day, then, this isn’t going to work), a pacifist, a Communist, a Fascist, if you think it’s acceptable political discourse to compare American politicians to Hitler, if you think the Jews were behind 9/11, if you are a Holocaust denier, a racist (obviously), don’t speak English, are of questionable immigration status (I will not be your green card), or if you expect your women to walk ten feet behind you
Ok, now tell me- am I really so unreasonable??